ain’t no rain getting in my way

so perhaps this is conceit, (if it is, chalk it down to a feverish mind overtaxed by Greek and Latin*) but i am convinced that if i ever wrote a book, people would read it. not just my friends, who would probably read it out of curiousity and perhaps a little terror that they would recognize themselves in the pages, but people as in the hoi polloi, the everyday common man. i am convinced that there is something about an honest voice approaching the world and situations that we all have to live in that would sell like crazy. for the longest time i thought i had nothing to write about…i mean, it’s not like my life has been crazy exciting. but i have realized that history is not always in the world-shaking events, that sometimes it is found in individual life-shaking events.

and my life seems pretty good at those.

these last two months have been a little crazy. yesterday a coworker told me that i was one of the most upbeat positive people he’d ever met, and i was surprised. upbeat? positive? are you kidding me? i’m so impatient these days. i feel like i’ve been grieving constantly for 3 full years. and a funny thing they don’t tell you about grief – it’s exhausting. they say that these are the times of greatest growth in your life, but i don’t feel grown, i just feel tired. a couple weeks ago i decided for the third time in so many years that i just won’t love people anymore, because it hurts too bad when you lose them. but i know that’s not true, and i know that it won’t work. i’m better at loving people than not loving them.

ha. that’s a funny thought. i had the revelation at work yesterday that i like all of my coworkers. not equally, but i don’t passionately dislike any of them. part of it is simply that now that my MA is winding to a close, the job is once again just a job instead of a place for my body while my brain does calisthenics about dead languages and footnotes and commentaries and committee members and deadlines and exams and failure. (and if you don’t think that all of that is possible in one mind, you’re wrong, i can do all that while juggling periodical locations (name a magazine and i can tell you the current cover and where to find it,) newspaper vendors, unexpected cafe shifts, the deadlines for payments, bestseller lists, and computer passwords…) i am very excited to be finished with school. i can’t wait.

well, i suppose that i’m wrong. if my book reads anything like this post, no one will ever read my potential future book. :-)

* speaking of dead languages – a coworker of mine yesterday was explaining heating coils to me and was hopeful that every scientific fact he put into my head would knock out a dead word or two, it didn’t work…)

p.s. guinever, you can tell mary that the baby’s name is amy. she was very sick in the picture, but she was much better before i left uganda.

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5 thoughts on “ain’t no rain getting in my way

  1. >>a funny thing they don’t tell you about grief – it’s exhausting. they say that these are the times of greatest growth in your life,<>decided for the third time in so many years that i just won’t love people anymore, because it hurts too bad when you lose them.<>if you don’t think that all of that is possible in one mind, you’re wrong, i can do all that while…<<

    Isn’t there a well-loved quote by Hermione that’s similar to this? Something about Ron having the emotional range of a teaspoon?

  2. Oh, shoot. WordPress works funky and doesn’t take some of the symbols that blogger does. That comment above is a mess, and I don’t even know how to delete it. But a bunch of the comment got eaten by cyberspace.

    About the grief being exhausting:
    Yes.

    About grief being an opportunity to grow:
    Do you remember saying you wanted to grow? I don’t remember wanting to grow. Why do we get these opportunities that we didn’t particularly want?

    About not loving anymore:
    I know what you mean about thinking that you’ll just be isolated and refuse to love. Thing is, though, I already love people. I’m hooked on loving them. I can’t stop loving them. I don’t want to stop loving them. And I can’t even manage to prevent new loves from coming into my life, so as to protect myself and stay isolated. (Probably this is a good thing that I can’t manage to stop loving…)

    About a mind doing all those things at once:
    That reminds me of Hermione explaining to Ron and Harry how Cho felt about kissing Harry. “Emotional range of a teaspoon.” Well, some people can’t do more than one thing at a time. “Intellectual range of a teaspoon”??? (Ooops. Did I say that outloud??)

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