serious thoughts

I would suddenly have those right before an exam I haven’t really studied for. Four hours with Colleen and 2 hours last night and 2 this morning don’t really count….whoa. That’s more than I thought I had studied…

Anyway, I was thinking about Asbury, and how much I wanted to fit in, even though I just didn’t sometimes. I remember Cori telling me freshman year that part of the reason we got along was that some of us have just grown up in different ways than our peers, and we can’t relate to their life stages at all, and they just think we’re out in left field. I didn’t think I minded it that much, but once Cori transferred, I sort of did mind. I mean, I had a church family that I was involved with and I truly enjoyed learning from strong Christian professors, but I always felt spiritually adrift from my peers. There were the “cool” spiritual kids, who were on prayer committees and organized revival…I wondered if maybe there was something wrong with my faith that they didn’t want me in any position of authority. Then after sophomore year, when all student chapels started to sound the same, crying girls with eating disorders, porn addictions, low-spots lifted by Jesus…I started to wonder if something was wrong with me because I failed to be moved to tears by the same twenty people constantly rededicating their lives to the Lord.

I’ve realized something. The fact that my faith was more comfortable in the Beatty’s living room talking to Brian about poetry, or in the V.Campen’s kitchen helping with lunch, or driving to Wilmore to pick Jilly up for church doesn’t make it less than my classmates’. It just makes it different. Perhaps I wasn’t ever made for comfort in the Asbury bubble. I was made for comfort in the African countryside, where I never felt out of place or confused. Those babies needed my kisses just as much as little Bobby at my parents’ church in J-ville. Those women needed my sincere smile of greeting as much as the girl next to me on the bus. Jesus doesn’t need me to be comfortable in every place that He places me. It doesn’t mean that my call to Asbury was any less real. Neither was my faith.

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