Coral, the Puritan

Some statement commented on by me, with love to my homies from the Holiness movement:

1. The Puritans were against sex.
Uh, no.
2. The Puritans never laughed and were opposed to fun.
Do you know me?
3. The Puritans wore drab, unfashionable clothes.
No, that’s because I’m home-schooled. And lazy.
4. The Puritans were opposed to sports and recreation.
That’s called uncoordination. Ask my high school youth group.
5. The Puritans were money-grubbing workaholics who would do anything to get rich.
Which is why I’m in grad school for the classics. Money.
6. The Puritans were hostile to the arts.
The Classics? What part did you not catch?
7. The Puritans were overly emotional and denigrated reason.
*sobs* No, I’m not. Why would you say something like that?
8. Puritanism was an old-fashioned movement that appealed only to people over seventy suffering from old blood.
Let me remind you, 1983 – NOT over seventy yet, thank you.
9. The Puritans were repelled by the human body and the physical world.
*L* Whose, exactly?
10. The Puritans were intolerant toward people who disagreed with them.
Which is why I hung with you lot for 4 years, naturally.
11. The Puritans were overly strict.
I’m not the one who says the devil uses dancing.
12. The Puritans repressed normal feelings in the name of religion.
So we repress our overly emotional natures? I’m confused.
13. The Puritans were legalistic moralists who judged people by their external behavior only.
Yup, that’s me.
14. The Puritans indulged in too much self loathing.
It’s true, I hate myself. I only live with me because of the missionary opportunities it affords.
15. The Puritas were ignorant people who opposed education.
Somebody should have told me that three majors ago. Seriously.

There you go kids. It’s out. I’m a Puritan.


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