Got an e-mail late last night from a friend of mine in school in Iowa. He asked a million questions about life and how I’m doing and told me about his new med school life . . . but the one that got me was his asking if I was enjoying what I’m doing, or if every day was a means to an end. Wow. Kind of stopped me short. Am I enjoying what I’m doing?
I didn’t really even notice the question last night, in the simple exultation of having recieved real e-mail, the glow of computer screen friendship flush on my cheeks . . . but today, while my email searches for a server, I get to stare at his email, and that’s the last visible line . . .
Means to an end?
I mean, I love what I’m doing, right? I love these languages, I love studying, I love class.
But it was kind of a smack in the face, because today in particular I was a storm-cloud through class, muttering about homework and computer problems, and lack of sleep. I shouldn’t be living each day as a means to an end. I should be celebrating my dream come true.
I guess part of it is I feel so insecure here. I mean, I have a couple of friends, but no one has known me very long, and I feel like I’m not representing well at all. I’m tired, I’m sick, I’m translating like the red-headed Amanda chick in class . . . (long story). And the doubt sets in. What if I’m not smart enough for this? What if I fail a class? What if I can’t pass my Quals? I don’t have any smart alec in the seat next to me to chip in and inform me that I fake it all the time anyway, why am I hyperventilating.
So I’m going to have to tweak my attitude. I came in telling myself I can do this alone. I have to do this alone. But God is never far. I just wish I could hold His hand.