I’m in that wavery place where you’re really not sure if you hate life, or you love life.  I’m scared sh**less right now . . . . my life seems to come together and fall apart at the same time.

My little sister was dumped last night, by a guy whom I adore.  I don’t know what the freak his problem is, and I don’t really care.  I want to rip his heart out.  Unfortunately, I think there’s a lot more going on in that dense little excuse for a brain and I don’t want to disturb him before he has a chance to fix his own mess.  And he’d better.  Nearly three and a half months of blissishness and then this . . .

Have I ever expressed this thought here?

Remember . . . no one can convince you that love sucks until you experience the suckiness for yourself.

I think that too often we put our hearts out for the slaughter without thinking about the consequences.  And, no, I’m not talking about crushes either . . . we’ve all had more than a few of those.  I’m talking about the kind of relationship that still bleeds every time an e-mail comes with his name on it . . . I’m talking about love that makes you walk away without looking back – and then you cry all the way home . . . I’m talking about love that makes you cry when a song comes on the radio, and you have to stop your car because you can’t see . . . I’m talking about love that compares every face to his, every step to his, every head that turns to his . . . I’m talking about love.  Love that is disappointed when it’s your mom on the other end of the phone instead of him.   Love that can imagine any number of scenarios in which he comes back.  Sometimes it hurts even when you know there’s someone else, someone better.  Guard your heart.  I know it isn’t easy (and heaven knows it didn’t work for me) but try to keep yourself safe so that you don’t have that cavity in your soul.   Because try as you may they do take something with them . . . whether or not they have our permission.

Must hold onto that reality . . . .

But see, there’s always that other side of life, where doors seem gloriously, unexpectedly, improbably, impossibly and euphorically open.  Dear Lord, if this is all a dream, please don’t let me wake up for a couple more days.  Please.  Please.  Please. It’s such a nice thing to believe.  It’s such a beautiful . . .

I guess what I’m saying is that I can’t believe that my life is real.  On a lot of different levels.  Think I may have failed (*cough*C*cough*) my Hebrew test yesterday . . .  but I think, hope, pray, I passed a different kind of test.  With flying . . . colors?

Okay, I’m also currently playing Juliana Theory – “Don’t Push Love Away” – Rocking awesome song.


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